Image provided by: Morrow County Museum; Heppner, OR
About Heppner gazette. (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 15, 1898)
THE OLD FARM. 1 love to dream about the days I spent upon the farm; The theme is rich iu memories That never lose their charm. Though early lured away by tales Of traffic's golden rain. How oft, how oft I've longed to turn Back to the farm again! I've tolled for gain In busy marts And scorned the paths of ease; I've wooed with fervor fortune's smiles. Across the briny seas; But neither fabled wealth of Ind Nor fame's ambrosial wine Could e'er afford the lost delights Of that old home of mine. There every humble duty bore Of rich reward its meed, And sweet approval gave a smile For every kindly deed; There peaceful sleep did wait upon Each day of toil and care. And hope gave strength each dawning day, Its burden new to bear. There peaceful scenes on every hand Did e'er beguile the eye; The woods, the hills; the winding streams, Hetiecting azure sky; The kine, contented, browsing o'er The blossom broidered wold; The ewes and lambs, at wane of day, Returning to the fold All filled my little world with Joy And bade brief sorrows fly, As soothes the infant's griefs away A mother's lullaby. Nor sordid alms did mar the flow Of innocent delight, While honor's precepts were Instilled With love's persuasive might Then take me back, oh, take me back To that fair spot once more, . To-me more lovely than the famed Estates of classic lorel Oh, take me back and let me rest There, safe from grief and harm, To spend my brief declining dayi Upon the dear old farm! Chicago Democrat. Her next mote. "VERALDINE FOWLER sorted I -rher mail somewhat listlessly, Some of the envelopes held rejec tions. She could tell them by their plumpness. There seemed to be an un usual number this morning. There were one or two acceptances, She smiled as she drew the checks from their envelopes and laid them carefully away. It had paid, after all, ber coming to New York. She had gained her experience and broadened her outlook. Yet, perhaps, It had made ber restless as well She certainly had been, since Godfrey Taylor crossed her path. A troubled look came into her eyes as Bhe took up his letter and read It A flush spread over her face. "I thought so," she said as she fin- Ished reading and dropped It on the desk. Then, with an impulsive move meut, she leaned forward and burled ber head In her bands. It had all come so rapidly, this new emotion. Less than three weeks ago ebe had forgotten the existence of God frey Taylor. To be sure, she dimly re- . called the gay times she had had with blm one summer, and her admiration of him because he was an editor, and could talk familiarly of books and dra matlc events. She had even fancied she liked him, but he had gone out of ber life. Suddenly she had heard from him lie had seen a story of hers and had written. This had been followed by other letters, and here was the culmi nation: I have not found you to lose you. 1 want you to marry me at once. Come to Washington for the fall, enjoy all the ad vantages I can give you. You can go into society 1 have means you can entertuin literary people and indulge your fondness for the stage, which I remember, and in January we will go abroud. 1 shall prob ably be appointed to gome office there. Her eyes glistened. "It Is what I have always wanted," the murmured. "And Edward " She topped. The faithful lover at home bad hardly entered her mind. "Well, 1 could not go back there any way and be content," she sighed. "My life here has spoiled all that. He must wake from bis dream sooner or later. He told me to be free; I will be free." She arose from her chair and pushed back the scattered papers. "I will be free to live my life in this glorious fashion that Is offered me. It belongs to me. I was made for Just such a life." She smiled triumphantly. Then she seized the pen and directed an envelope to a little far-away country town. "I aui tired of It all," she wroto on a Up of paper. She paused. "The truth will come later," she said, aa she hastily added. "My next move will surprise you." Then she wrote to the other one. "You may come If you like," she said; "I shall be glad to see you, and per haps " Bhe left It bere. Edward Wherrltt entered the post cfllce with an eager step. A glad light Crept Into bis eyes as be saw the fa miliar handwriting, and a thrill of pleasure ran through the man aa be took the letter from the postmistress. Ills band trembled a bit. Insomuch that tome papers fell to tha floor, and be laughed a happy laugh at be bent and picked them up. Then he slipped them all Into bis pocket and turned away. It wai a long time since be bad beard from ber. Ills band closed tightly upon the letter In bis pocket It wai there Dow, fresh from ber band. II would not hasten to read It It was there bis. No power on earth could take It from blm. The light In bis eyes grew deeper, and a bappy smile played about bis mouth. lie bad several errands to do. He must visit the new aund first There might be something of hers In one of the magazines. His quick eye caught ber name, and be slipped the publics tlon Into bla pocket Then be finished the errands and walked rapidly toward borne, bla bind till closed on the letter, and bii mind peculating as to wbit It would say, Would It leu of some new success How proudly be bad watched ber ca reer! Perhaps It would n bad de rAA in star another all months In New York. Well, never mind. IU could tnd It and the end would be to much nearer, Xbe letter felt thia. After ail, prob- My It was but a hurried note, to teH of some stinden pleasure she wanted to share with him. His heart gave a bound. Any way, It was from her-that was enough. The words were so few. "My next move mav surorlse von." he repeated. A quick fear seized his heart He turned the page for more, but that was all. Not even a signature. "She must have left out the rest by mistake," be said, as he beld the open page in his hand. "But whatever tha move Is, I know It must be right." His eyes traveled fondly to the face smiling down the wall. He rose early the nest morning. It was only just growing light, but his sleen hnil hppn broken, nnil he would pt down to the early mail and see If the have 200'000 P0UU(l3 on twoseparate rest of the letter had not come. Surely drIvinS wbeel bass. ani the tank loco fJoraiiiMo ,id .onri u -v,Qn motives of the St. Clair tunnel have found It bad been left out. He could even fancy the little laugh she would give when she discovered It, and how quickly she would enclose It in anothei envelope and add a few words as to hei carelessness. He pictured It all In his mind, as h swung through the village street with an enB-er trend I TheJIttle office was not open. Th' morning train was not due yet Slowly he wandered toward the station, and stood gaztag down the track from whence his letter would come. He stamped his feet a bit Impatiently, and took out his watch. It was coming at last! With a roar that would seem to waken the yet sleeping people, tha train drew In. I The morning papers and the mall bag were thrown out on to the platform. The roll of papers bounded away Into the wet grass. He sprang after them with a laugh. The early morning air was exhilarat ing. He grasped them In his hand and waved them triumphantly at the bag gage master as be leaned out of tha door of his car. Then he turned. A woman stood be side him. "I have come home," Geraldine said, For an instant he gazed at her wit! startled eyes. Then with a quick move ment he gathered her Into his big arms and drew her close. Her tired head fell on to his strong shoulder, and the sad, pleading eyes were hidden from view, Her hat fell unheeded to the ground, at he kissed hair and forehead again and again. This was her next move. The House wife. CHINESE LOADED WITH MONEY. Remarkable-Discovery in the Clothing of Two California Celestials. The turnkeys In the Los Angeles county jail had an interesting experi ence recently on the arrival of two Chi nese from San Diego, pending deporta tion. The men had been searched by the San Diego officers, and were re ported to have no articles on their per sons, but the Los Angeles Jail officials thought it would be Just as well to ap ply their methods of investigation, and the outcome was a lot of money, nug gets and gold dust. The coolies had little packages ol gold dusrt carefully packed away be tween each toe; others were braided into the strands of their queues; bank notes were cleverly stitched Into the lining of their hats and the creases of taeir cioine. in ract, almost every place, meutlonable and unmentionable, where coin, bills or gold dust could be hidden, contalued Its quota, the total found amounting to something over $40 In bills, as much more In silver, and no one knows exactly how much In gold dust from Lower California mines. The money of course belongs to the Chinese, but If thpy had been allowed to keep It on their pprsons while locked up, they would surely have been robbed of every cent of it by the other prison ers. San Francisco Examiner. raying a Ilel cate Coinplimnnt, A Scotch farmer, celebrated In hie neighborhood for his Immense strength and skill in athletic exercises, very fre quently had the pleasure of contending with people who came to try thelt strength against his. Lord D., a great pugilistic amateur, went from London on purpose to fight the athletic Scot. The latter was working bard In an In closure at a little distance from hi house when the noble lord arrived. Ilia lordship tied his horse to a tree near by and then addressed the farmer; "Friend, I have heard marvelous .re ports of your skill, and have come long way to see which of us two Is the better wrestler." The Scotchman, without answering, seized the nobleman, pitched blm ovet the hedge, and then set aliont working again. When Lord I). got up "Well," said the farmer, "have you anything to say to me?" "No," replied bis lordship, brushing the dust from bis clothes, "but pcrbapt you d be good enough to throw me my horse Taught His Wife Finance. Divide anything up Into oarta and you magnify It, says the New Orleans Times-Democrat A certain wise man took this way to give bis wife an Idea of how much 1 1,000 Is. She had no Idea of money. Her purchases were enormous. It happened one day that ner eyes ten upon a magnincent ring, and she coveted It It cast $1,000. But what tu $1,000 to ber In comparison with the ring? Of course, her bus- band consented to the purchase. What else could a dutiful, affectionate bus band do? But be tried tbla method of educating bis wife concerning the great price of the ring. He Instructed bla banker to send ber the $1,000 In small piece pennies, dime, quartora. In came the money, bagful after bag fuL Bhe never hail aucb an Idea of $1,000 Ixffor. When the money waa piled before ber It alarmed ber. The price of tbe ring went up an hundred fold, and was considered at once an extraragance wblcb stie of ber own option abandoned. lie Defends III C'oare. He If I give you aome candy yon might get the toothache. Ilk you did last we k. Bhe W by, you $ a tootbacb your K-lf from eating candy! I lie Well, mamma wouldn't want both of u to bar a toothache to- g ether . Puck. Wbea a man la sick, bla wife tblnki tbe real trouble la souietUag wicked of Lla mind. GREATES'" OF LOCOMOTIVES. parser ana neav.cr man An j Other 1 rev.ons y i5n.it. A leviathan on wheel has just been Introduced on the system operated in connection with the various works of lue "''uegie sieei uompauy The loco motive is the largest and heaviest in the world, powerful enough, If It were put to the test, to haul more than the entire cargo of a great freight steamer. It was built by the Pittsburg Locomo tive Works on an order from the Union Railroad Company of Pittsburg. It Is not only larger and heavier as a whole than any locomotive previously built, but exceeds all others in many of its essential details. The weight on the drivers is 208,000 pounds. The Mex ican Central double-boiler locomotives 195,000 pounds on ten driving wheels. The twelve-wheel locomotives of the Great Northern Railroad have a total of weight of 212,750 opounds, of which only 172,000 pounds are on the driving wheels. The cylinders of the new low MtAlTtA O'l MO 1 -.1. .. ... , T ' ?T u"u'?alu " ,1 7, , erii, and its total boiler-beating surface !,4U"lc "I1: v ' " Q OOO t -1 ill. 8,230 on the Great Northern. It not only has greater weight on Its drivers, but exceeds also In cylinder power ami In the steam-producing capacity of the boiler the most powerful locomotives ever constructed. An indication of the power of the lo comotive Is furnished by the character of the work demanded of It. About four miles of the line upon which it is operated has a grade of seventy feet a mile, and on one stretch of about 2,000 feet, up across the main line of the Pennsylvania Railroad and reaching to the foot of a 70-foot hill, has a grade of 2.4 per cent The trains of many cars are loaded down with Iron, coke and mill and furnace products, and aggre gate many tons to a car. The loconio- THE WORLD'S BIGGEST LOCOMOTIVE. tive is now in daily use, and Is said to be highly satisfactory, not only In the work accomplished, but In the econ omy of fuel and water required. The New York Central Railroad re cently accomplished what was consider ed a remarkable feat, lu the hauling of 80,000 bushels of grain a distance of 140 miles with a single mogul locomo tive, having a weight of 123,000 pounds on its drivers. It Is estimated that the new locomotive on such a track as the New York Central from Syracuse to Al bany could haul a paying load of 135, 000 bushels of grain, or a net weight of J.375 tons. NEW FRENCH INVENTION. Death Helmet Which May Take ths Guillotine's Place. Whether or not the stroke of the guil lotine causes instant death, It is more than likely that the raising of the ques tion by Dr. Cinel will banish the ma- ehiue which oweB Its origin to the reign of terror. For months past the French govern ment has had in its hands a machine mporlor to the guillotine In rapidity of action, which causes no distortion of visage and produces no scar. The machine, which has been named "L'Executloner" by its Inventor, Francois Esclangon, a well-known scientist and the editor of the Parisian Le Monde Sclentiflque, Is like the hel met worn by a fourteenth century cav iller. From the top curves a long, hollow, bar of steel, dividing near Its end Into two portions, which approxi mate closely two holes In the helmet near the upper portion. In the cavity of this bar are placed two cartridges, run on grooves made In the carved bar and attached to long, niATn im.tiiT. tarred needle. In the helmet are two , nol atted wltn dlMk which can lie m"ae 10 rtroivt untu tney come Into opposition with the eyes of the rlctim. Tu9 apparatus Is In communication ( 'lth a battery on a table near by which " '""ir im "u i tne ame t),ne to I'Iu" forward and "nry themselves dwp In the frontal or ,ue cnun, aestroyirig instantly Tbe pTllJint of employing women is condin tors on aevrral of tbe sinslli-r cltU serins to bsvt brovrd sucrns. emoya si cnuilrotue, uiiio, a lx-al la a polite, fslthfol aud conMrntlous j loy rooimsna um repn sin iitiirsiioii or evpryboily. En the rougher rl. 1 Bnt of msokind, who would oot b-i!tst to Imtw on a rimn. irs touwl A,.w, ny toe genuo lonaenr. ni io not snow n wouia mi loiersirq ror s ber, from families of reiecl.ility. on aay on rsm wees, ana reeeive M wna tu strert ear roanr d-idi to ' wads application. I'eople differ very conductor morerneni. Many Have " im 'irwM laoor ortamsalluna aew conduct , a large portion of the white matter of the cerebrum. Death Is Instantaneous and paiLless, and only a simple prick at the angle of each shows how the dead man passed. PHILIPPINE PETS. Roostcra Take the Place of Dogs and Cats. Speaking of roosters, they are the na tive dog In the Philippines. The inhab itants pet and coddle them, smooth down their plumage, clean their combs, or pull out their tail feathers to make them fight, to their heart's content, and It Is a fact that these cackling grass eaters realy seem to show affection for their proprietors in as great a measure as they exhibit hatred for their broth ers. Every native has his fighting cock, which Is reared with the greatest care until he has shown sufficient prowess to pntitle him to an entrauce into the cock pit. In case of fire, the rooster is the first thing rescued and removed to a place of safety, for babies common luxuries in the Philippines are a sec ondary consideration. It is almost impossible to walk along any street in the suburban part of the town without seeing dozens of natives trudging along with roosters under their arms, which are being talked to and petted to distraction. At every oth er little roadside hut an impromptu battle will be going on between two birds of equal or unequal merit, the two proprietors holding their respective roosters by the tails in order that they may not come Into too close quarters. The cockpits, where gatherings are held on Thursdays and Sundays, are large lnclosures covered with a roof of thatch sewed on to a framework of bamboo; they are open on all sides and banked up with tiers of rude seats that sur round a sawdust ring in the center. Out side the gates to the flimsy structure sit a motley crowd of women, young and old, selling eatables whose dark, greasy texture beggars description, while here and there In the open spaces a couple of natives will be giving their respective roosters a sort of preliminary trial with each other. As the show goes on Inside, shouts and applause resound at every opportunity, and at the close of the performance a multitude of two wheeled gigs carry off the victors with their spoils, while the losers trudge home through the dust on foot Chi cago News. A POLYQAMIST IN CONGRESS. Roberts, Utah's New Member, Paid to Have Four Wives. At the recent election Brighara H. Roberts was chosen as a member of Congress from Utah. Roberts Is a Mor mon, and was for years an elder of tho milOHAM II. ItOHKRTS. church and ono of Its missionaries. Be fore the decree abolishing polygamy be had married four times, and It Is said be still lives with and supports all four wives. The charge was made against blm during the campaign, and he did not make a denlaL A a matter of fact he contends that to live with four wives Is violating no law; that the decree on polygamy merely prohll)- Ited plural marrlHge, but did not forbid men from discharging marital obliga tion previously assumed. Roberts has been In politics for sev eral years. He declared a few year ago that the Mormon Church should bare nothing to do wltb the politics of It member and was severely con demned. ow no takes tho reverse view and thus secured the aid of the church, by wblcb means be was elected, Tbe train from the south came to a halt, and the returning soldiers piled out of It "May I ask what I the mat ter with your foot?" Inquired one of the sympathizing and curious specta tors, addresnlng a gaunt, camp-worn volunteer, who was limping along the platform, "(lout, ma'am," answered the soldier, lifting lit battered bat and passing on. Chicago Tribune, Every one occasionally longs for the klndix-N that I shown a rich man Juxt befor be dies. the ilrwt cr of ftiklin f tli'Hur pir ssys that they perform their duties man tier, wltb no funny bulin-M sUut it, ai,4 attempt any forblddra privilege, for they moment. J 1)4 rotirlttotors art seven In Dum The womru work bine hours arb dsy, wltb Wie for their semres. At Madison, Ind put i,n women eondui'tors nearly ll girl tmi, h la their opinions rrfsrdlna the female comol; loej and protetrftd against the lonova ar ueclallr active In bimoaitkin th MAN.HUNTERS HER PRIDE. An Hnilitwoman Who Rninea Itlood hound4 to Track Criminals. What time she Is not compelled to de vote to social doings is spent by Mrs. Edwin Brough, one of London's smart women. In training and developing bloodhounds for the specific work of running down persons who may be fugitives from justice. Mrs. Brough is fatuous as a horsewoman, and has for-) years been known all over Great Brit ain as one who can break a colt with any man In the kingdom. It Is her boast that she could sit a horse before ,i ! l A ..' -V m t 't.k J mm MItS. BltOUOH AND HER HOUNDS. she could walk, and anyone who has seen her invincible seat In the saddle has no difficulty In believing the state ment. When at her country place she never lets a day pass without exercis ing a few of the sagacious man-hunters which are her chief delight. No whipper-in from Land's End to John o' Groats can handle a pack of foxhounds better, and as to the bloodhounds, even her own kennel master concedes her superiority. Three of these noble brutes Clotho, Brocalle and Benedicta she hnsbroughtto the point of absolute per fection. These animals have been tried experimentally scores of times and nev er failed to meet every requirement So well trained are they that when they overtake the person hunted they mani fest not the slightest desire to do him 1 .lHA..t.lnJ .1.- !.(.. ,1, ., 1 liu i ill, yruviuuu iue lugiuve will uiuy i remain quiet. The dogs simply sur- i round him and stand there watchfully until Mrs. Brough reaches the spot, af- , ter which they show little or no inter est in the man they have been chasing, evidently realizing that their work is done. SEA BIRDS AND THEIR EGGS. Hunters Contest with Gulls for Pos session of the Spoils. If the murre Is disturbed by an egg unter and Its single egg taken It will return and replace Its successively tolen ovum until eight have been laid, t Is loath to leave Its tiest, even when the despoller approaches, aud when he comes up she leans away from him and moves over to the far side of the nest. But presently, yielding to the alarm within her breast, she emits a sudden squawk and files off, flushing the en tire rookery as she moves toward the sea, leaving the pickers to fill their pouched shirts with the booty. They must hurry tbe work, for as soon as the eggs are uncovered the gulls hover close and become thick upon the scene. These the men must light off, for they brazenly interpose themselves and bat- tie with the humans for the possession of the eggs. The opportunity being open, the gull sweeps down upon the murre egg, selz.es it lu Its mouth and goes sailing aloft, cracks It In Its bill and gobbles what of Its contents It can, the residue fulling on the rocks below. Then It takes another swoop away and bal ances Itself to spy out a new egg. The gull's egg Is palatable. That these Islands were a great re pository of edible eggs became known In the early '50s. At the time of the discovery of this fact provisions were scarce and gold plentiful In San Fran cisco, and the rookery eggs offered In the markets of that city brought one dollar a dozen. The opening of thl new aud free opportunity to acquire wealth precipitated iiuiiiImti of people upon the Inlands and In tbo business of egg gathering, ljuarrels ensued be tween the competitor as to their re spective "rights" In the premises, wltb tho result that a company was formed among a number of the pickers, wblcb bought out the claims of the others. This company managed to hold onto Its advantage for some years, not. however, without experiencing contest and encroachments, utitll the bicker- lugs ultimately grew so fierce as to at tract tho attention of the United States district attorney at San Francisco. He sent a detachment of government sol dier there and deported every egg picker. Harper' Magazine. A 811k. Worm of the Hea. Silk Is obtained from the thcllflsb known a the pinna (mytllldae), which I found lu tho Mediterranean. Thl sIii-HIIhIi has the power of spinning a viscid sl!k which lu Sicily I made Into a regular aud very hiindaoine fabric. The silk Is spun by the sIicIIIImIi, In the first lustnuce, for the purpose of attach ing Itself to Ihe rocks. It I able to guide Ihe delicate filaments to the proper place and (hero glue them fust, and If they are cut away It can repro duce them. The mu t i-rlul when gathered (wblcb I done at low tide) Is washed In s mp and water, dried, tralgbti-ned and carded, one pound of tbe coarse 0 la ment yielding a boii t three ounce of flue thread, which when spun Is of a lovely burnished golden brown color.--New York Herald. A might lilfT rence. A London Journal, U-lls of a certain lady who ha lu her roo-ru a piece of statuary wblcb bear the Inscription, 1 "Klsinet" The housemaid w as dusting the room one day, when tbe mist res I appeared. "Hure. ma am," all the girl, "would you mind tclllu' me the m'aiiln' of this writiu on tu imimoiii oi iiiis nggerr "'Klsinet mean 'fate'," answered tbe lady. "Hure, an' I that It?" said (be girl. A few day afterward the housemaid came limping Into ln-r mistress' room. "Why, what I the matter with you, Bridget r asked the lady. "U tn' m, sure au' 1 hare the moat I u rr I hi cvsrua ou me kUtuetr' auld the g)rL a, vs.. YAWPS A .3 'iVA mm W w HUMOR OF THE WEEK STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Odd, Curious and Laughable Phases of Human Nature Graphically Por trayed by Eminent Word Artiata of Our Own Day A Budget af Fun. To Continue the Strife."- navlng had a taste of war, Lieut Huggins seems to want more of it." "Why; has he decided to go into the regular army?" "No; but he Is going to get married next week." Mamma' Idea. Little Harry Mamma, what's a Bacciiannallan revel? Mamma That's a polite name for those social events your papa's club gets up every little while. No Inducement There. "Ah! young lady, I was young and beautiful myself once, and then I nev er refused a poor woman." "Well, the result Isn't exactly encour aging." A Possible Remedy. "Cyrano should have married." "Why?" "It might have Improved his nose to have it held down on the matrimon ial grindstone." Chicago Record. A Fuggestlon, "I think the names 'Yale' and 'Har vard' should be given to two of our regular war ships." "Well, what's the matter with Vas ear?" ruck. Does Just as Well. "My employer Is so queer: I can't tell when he's pleased." "Well, you can toll when he's dis pleased, can't you?" Chicago Record, Identified. Little Albert Pa, who were the sev en sleepers? Pa They were the first policemen that we have any record of. Hardly Kver Quiet. Dollle Was It a quiet spot where you kissed Mollle? Chollle No; It was on the mouth. Chicago Journal. Sometimes She Are you a vegetarian? The Poet Yes, off and on. Puck. The Last Word, of Coarse. He Don't you believe Unit In the majority of divorce cases the woman was to blame? She Of course, I do. She should never have married. Philadelphia Record. The Man to Talk To. Judge I don't want to see you here again. Prisoner I wish you'd say that to the policeman. Somervillo Journal. An Iconoclast. Miss Tomiuey Mr. Hunting Is a sin gtilar man. Mlse Fllklns How so? Miss Tommey He says he doesn't like golf. Miss Fllklns But lots of men don't like golf, Miss Tommey Yes, but Mr. Runtln say he don't care who know It Judge. A Foregone Conclnalon. "What a tall girl Itrlghnm's daughter lias grown to bet She must be six feet at least." "Yes, but she' a mighty nice girl an the little fellow that's going to marry ber will be a lucky chap." "Who Is he?" "I don't know." "But you Just spoke of blm a a little fellow." "Well, being a tall girl, she wouldn't marry any but a little fellow, would Bhe?" Doubtful Compliment. "By Jove, I'm awfully glad lo see you here, Mia Brown. When I first I came In I felt quit nervous every j body looked bo awfully clever." ' Punch. Ills Mistake. He I believe you cared for me Ihe first time we ever met She Wby, what make you think that? He-Because you kept looking at me ao steadily. Every time I glanced In your direction your guze waa riveted uHin me, Hh-Oh, tint It wasn't because I bad fallen In love wltb you. I was think ing what a pity It was that there was ou. .nr and dear to you who could tell you what wretched taste you had In necktie. Jtstousr. First Venerable Msu-I met old Hill Jones Just now, ami be bad the as Bdrauce lo tell me that be felt a fresh a a two year-old. Hei-ond Venerable Man Likely be ..... - - - - - - - y till Journal. Revenge. "Well, I've finally got even with old Rockingham for refusing to have me as a son-in-law." "How did you do it?" "I was a member of the committee that was appointed to Initiate him In, our lodge the other night. They say he won't get out of the hospital for a month." A Chance to Make Money Mrs. Teck Henry, I've been talking to you for twenty minutes, and I'll bet you don't know a word I've said. Mr. Peck Say, go and try to get somebody outside of the family to take that bet, will you? H-irkine Hack. Mrs. Acklins I don't want to be Im pertinent, but how old are you, any way? Some of the ladles were discuss ing your age at the club the other day, and several of them claimed that you were,at least 35, but I Insisted that you were not more than 33. Mrs. Blswlck I'm glad you were so kind. Of course, you didn't mention the fact that you were ready to leave the grammar grade when I was in the primary class at school, did you? FuBplcinus, Mr. Bllmbus I'm afraid John has got into bad company down there at col lege. He must be gambling. Mrs. Bllmbus Why, what makes you think that? Mr. Bllmbus I got a letter from him this morning in which he didn't ask for money. I wonder if he knows how to stack the cards? Now They Are Ftranirers. ne What lovely flowers! Do you know, they remind me of you? She Why, they are artificial. He Yes, I know; but it requires close examination to detect It Not Good Money. "He has money to burn." "Is it really as badly torn and mutlb ated as that?" Chicago Post Living: Up to His Principles. "Look here!" exclaimed the woman who had made a sandwich for a tramp and then thoughtlessly left him alone for a minute within reach of two whole pies, "what do you mean by eat ing all that pie?" "Madam," replied the tramp politely, as he let his belt out another hole, "I am a believer lu expansion." Chicago Post Looking; ISnckwnrd. "What were the most striking things you saw while you were In Europe?" "The people who were always strik ing me for tips." They Always Do. Clara What became of that young Woodby you refused lust winter? Maude (who is still single) Oh, he married provokingly well. Of Course. a -c mmm, 4-1. .t- "Wot am I molkin'? course, stoopld?" Bicycle, of A Mntunl Performance. "Do you have any rulu.to regulate shaking bauds?" "Well, I never shake hands with any man ofteuer than he shakes band with me." Chicago Record. Timely l.ric-a-ISrnc. "Clara Is always up to date." "What now?" "She rented wooden Indians to decor ate her parlors for that afternoon tea." Detroit Jouruul. Dreaklna Out. "There goe an art enthusiast, Tom. Want to paint Her mind Is full of It." "Yes. It shows on her face." Collier Weekly. Getting tool. Mrs. Spark I gues Lulu aud Har ry are gradually drifting apart since liu's gone back to college. I don't be lieve they care as much for each other a they did, and I wouldn't be surpris ed If we could break up the affair yet Mr. Sparks Ah, that good. But what reason have you for thinking thai their affection Is cooling? Mrs. Sparks-Well, she' receiving only one letter a day from blm now. Her Idea. Mamie I don't see how you can go on encouraging blm when you are al ready engaged. JesHlo Well, 1 read somewhere once that lu order to avoid disappointment In life It is always well to have more than two strings to your bow, and It seem to me that having more than one Ix'nti on your string Is part of th same logic. Author' Vu,cr Hell-Made Names. Robert Koiilliey once wrote uuder the name of "Abel Slnilllebottoiu;" Mat thew Ar.lold bid blliiNilf behind the modest Initial "A.;" Richard Whately wa "A Country Pastor;" Wbltclaw Reld was "Agate;" John RiiHkln was "A Cradiiate of Oxford;" Kiishu Keuul more Cooper was "A Lady;" Sir Waller Scott waa "A Layman;" Robert South ey wa "Alvarea lprlella;" Richard C'obden wa "A Manchester Manufac turer;" J. Fcnlmore Cooper was "Ad American;" Thomn Moore wns "An Irish Man;" Donald U. Mitchell wai "An Opera J(x-r;" Matthew Arnold wa "Ariiilulu von Tbiindertentroiic klu" (Pall Mall (Jii7.ettei; K. A. Poo wa "Arthur Cordon Pym;" William Makepeace-Thackeray was "Arthur Peiiden his;" lletiry Watterson wa "As Treiiehard;" Jame Russell Iiwell wai "A Wonderful Qui." When a mnn die, aud hi w ife I left to take rare of Ihe home, ihe spend two thirds of her time In running after a carpenter. Lot of men who make w itty remark! are too dense to realise tbe fact, , -figs' M Tv